i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
