I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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