just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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