my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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