I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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