I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
