We won't sleep together?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
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