Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
