What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
