Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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