Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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