i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
