You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
