Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
