I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
