I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
