We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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