You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
