Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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