Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
