soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
