Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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