At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
