Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
