I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
