I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
