There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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