So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
