paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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