just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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