Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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