the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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