I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
