Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
