My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Randomize
