I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Randomize
