meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
