When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
