I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
do nipples grow back?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
