I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
