you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
