my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
