you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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