probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
