All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
