so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
