She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
