We named our party play list daddy issues
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
