Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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