My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
